How to Carry Less When You’re the Default Caregiver
If you’re reading this, you’re probably the one who is carrying the mental load of parenting. You’re likely the one who remembers all the appointments, packs the snacks, knows the current shoe size, signs the forms, and carries a mental spreadsheet of everything at all times.
You are the default caregiver. Not from a lack of others caring, but from being the one who consistently (and historically) steps in.
You are tired! You are carrying loads of responsibility. Your brain is constantly going and planning and anticipating.
However it is important to learn how to carry less, without falling apart. This is essential for your mental wellbeing and reducing parenting stress and burnout.
Therapy can provide tools to help lighten the load (without everything falling apart).
It is important to label the load you are carrying. It can be mind boggling to see the invisible labor you handle on a daily basis.
remembering medication
planning meals for picky eaters or medically complex children
managing school schedules
organizing appointments
tracking milestones
handling emotional blowouts
being the families emotional baramoter
….the list goes ON!
Once we see this list, how do we transition from “I have to do this” to “this shouldn’t all land on me”? I bet we will have to challenge some inner dialogue saying things such as “It’s easier if I do it” or “they’ll do it wrong.” Maybe your inner critic calls you a “nag” or a “bother” if you ask for help. But most systems function optimally when tasks are shared NOT hoarded. How can you reframe asking for help? (Ex: I’m not delegating because I am failing. I’m delegating because I’m a human with limits).
Next, the hard part! Clear delegation!
Stop dropping hints (and building resentment when the hints are not noticed). People usually don’t step up without explicit structure.
State the task: “Can you please handle bedtime on Tuesdays and Thursdays?”
State the expectations: “This includes dinner, bath, pajamas, teeth and a story.”
State the timeline: “Starting next week”
We do not have to carry it all to be a good caregiver and you do not have to carry it alone!
You are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to be human.
If setting these boundaries or having these conversations feels hard, you’re not alone. Therapy can help you build the tools you need to navigate some of these challenging dynamics.
